Haiku: Say Hello or Goodbye

Prompt:

Say hello or goodbye, to someone living or dead, present or absent.

「さようなら」

　吐息が凍り

　立ち留まる

"Farewell",

Freezing breath in the air,

I stand, still and silent.

吐息：といき

凍り：こおり

立ち留まる：たちとまる

季語：凍る(for winter)

Comment:

The first line clearly shows that it is a haiku to say goodbye, and I believe it would be intereting to actually have the sound of saying goodbye in the haiku. The second implies how cold it is outside, but in the last line the person still stands there and really does not want to say goodbye. I had image of saying goodbye to my friends after sending them to the door. Although we might meet soon, I just feel sad while I had to say goodbye to them. I know that it is not good to have some "trick" in the haiku, as what Shiki said, but I do think this haiku can also be interpreted as saying goodbye to a person who passed away. The dead person leaves the living person behind and goes away.

Many Many Different Versions...

雪の下
お揃い服を
埋めていた

(Lain had trouble understanding the meaning...)

浅き冬
君への花を
投げ出した

(I like this one. Since the gift flower cannot be sent, the person just throws it away.)

浅き冬
君の手紙を
踏み潰す

(Lain's suggestion. I do not like the last line, it is kind of cruel...)

浅き冬
君の手紙を
まだ溜まる/溜まってる

(It is a little weird to use 溜まるhere.)

「また明日」
吐息が凍る ...

(「また明日」is another good choice I believe.)

2/27/2024

Here is the avice I got from my professor:

You might consider using a classical ending in the third line in Japanese: 立ち止まりけり would make it more of a novelistic poem: a scene viewed from the outside. The "keri" ending puts more feeling in the poem.

2/28/2024